INTRODUCING FIZZ FROTHY
Hard FIZZ is ditching its fruity sparkling waters and will immediately start production on a new SKU - fizzy beer - so FISHER can drink with his mates again.
The brainstrust at the brand, in conjunction with the Grammy nominated DJ himself, have come to their bloody senses and realised real Australians drink brewskis and as a result, will release an unnecessarily bubbly lager called FIZZ Frothy.
It comes after FISHER was booted from the boys’ group chat, where all good piss ups are organised, for inflicting seltzer on the great, beer drinking nation that is Australia.
Long story short, Fish is extending an olive branch in the form of a good ol’ fashioned cold one - albeit way too fizzy.
“It’s beer o’clock at Hard FIZZ so let us introduce FIZZ Frothy,” says chief glassy at Hard FIZZ, Edward Fizzerhands.
“I’m actually tonguing for a beer right now so I guess I’m working at the right place.
“The brand hasn’t completely gone away from its roots though, FIZZ Frothy is so fizzy it makes battery acid seem like milk.”
Hard FIZZ claims FIZZ Frothy only has 250 calories per can but rumour has it, there’s zero quality control at the joint so God knows what’s actually in it.
Projections had the seltzer market on track to make something like a hundred trillion dollars in Australia this year but the big bosses at Hard FIZZ say it’s not about the money.
“We’re deadset idiots for trying to fix what ain’t broke,” says Hard FIZZ Director of Absolute Bangers (AKA Head of Entertainment), FIZZ Khalifa.
“We should’ve just done FIZZ Frothy from the start.
“In the wise words of Kelis, hops and yeast bring all the boys to the yard.
“And there’s another change around here - Jimmy Barnes’ Working Class Man is on repeat, all day every day from now on.”